Hello. Welcome to the tour of my office, an exclusive to readers of this site (all threefour of you). The tour is quite long, and broken into multiple parts. Before we begin the tour, we have some ground rules... for your safety, enjoyment, and vague domestic security purposes.
We do not talk about Fight Club.
Please do not take any photos. Especially flash photography.
Do not eat any food you see lying on the floor or in a square box.
If approached by Mike Wallace, please respond with:
Okay, we're here. We will now remove your hoods and begin the tour.
The floor layout may seem like it was done by a five year-old. But it isn't. (A five year-old would have left toys strewn along the walkways.) No, this is the culmination of a long-term plan to confuse terrorists. Previously, the men's bathroom used to be a 20' walk. When it was realized this posed an unspecified but unlikely national security risk, additional offices were erected as barricades. We don't mind the 100' walk around the barricade because you cannot be too safe when attending to vital bodily functions!
Augmenting our labyrinthine flow is a proprietary lighting system and encrypted
office labeling algorithm. Cypherpunks will notice additional codes shared among those with appropriate clearances. As a hypothetical example, if one of my operatives wanted to find me, they could look for the pumpkins atop my bookshelf.
(Historical note:
these pumpkins were leftover props someone had discarded in 2002 .
As I have an affinity for large orange squash, I liberated them from their
unfortunate predicament. They now serve as sentries and do my evil bidding.)
We are a frugal organization and have, literally, stripped away and sold all of the frivolous overhead so that we may give our customers better selection, lower prices, more features, and exclusive colors, smells, tastes, sounds, and animated graphics.
We are now at the south wing, home of the Wall of Tyvek. This serves as both an
homage to life outside work (mostly bicycling, some running) and a reminder that
the long nights
will eventually turn back into
long summer days.
The challenges of being an intergalactic company necessitate we keep close scrutiny on domestic issues. For example, our terran cartography department tracks the Earthwide distribution network and plate tectonics of customers on all seven of its continents. From here, we can track transactions with up to seven billion recipients.
You'll have to put your hoods back on as this is the end of today's tour. We will visit the Gift Shoppe before going to our evening quarters. We will resume tomorrow, after breakfast, visiting the offline communications center.
Continue to Day 2
Jim's office shall remain off-limits to the Inspectors. We possess no dimensional warp generators, we are not researching dimensional warp generators, and we shall not allow this committee to violate civil liberties in the name of this ridiculous witch hunt!
Okay, we're here. We will now remove your hoods and begin the tour.
The floor layout may seem like it was done by a five year-old. But it isn't. (A five year-old would have left toys strewn along the walkways.) No, this is the culmination of a long-term plan to confuse terrorists. Previously, the men's bathroom used to be a 20' walk. When it was realized this posed an unspecified but unlikely national security risk, additional offices were erected as barricades. We don't mind the 100' walk around the barricade because you cannot be too safe when attending to vital bodily functions!
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| Proprietary lighting and gray foamy stuff |
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| This is what Spider Man would see if he were skulking above me. |
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| Fly, my pretties! |
We are a frugal organization and have, literally, stripped away and sold all of the frivolous overhead so that we may give our customers better selection, lower prices, more features, and exclusive colors, smells, tastes, sounds, and animated graphics.
 |
| The Wall of Tyvek: Over 1,700 miles in 2003 |
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| Terran cartography: thunderstorms in Mauritius, labor strike in France, and a jack-knifed 18-wheeler on I-45 north between Tidwell and Parker are just some of our daily challenges. |
The challenges of being an intergalactic company necessitate we keep close scrutiny on domestic issues. For example, our terran cartography department tracks the Earthwide distribution network and plate tectonics of customers on all seven of its continents. From here, we can track transactions with up to seven billion recipients.
You'll have to put your hoods back on as this is the end of today's tour. We will visit the Gift Shoppe before going to our evening quarters. We will resume tomorrow, after breakfast, visiting the offline communications center.
Continue to Day 2
.